Don't Pull That Trigger!

You may have noticed in some of my pictures that I have a bump on my chest. This bump, or port, is how they have administered chemotherapy and checked my blood over the past 3 years. While it might look painful it is actually a luxury to have one. The number of pokes in the arm that they would have to do over the years while receiving various treatments would be far too many, and my veins would eventually be damaged.  It is painful to have put in and removed, but the alternative was 1000 pokes.  The port connects a direct line through my chest up to the main artery in my neck.  Literally a direct line!

Yesterday I had it taken out. 

I was awake for the procedure both times. Both when it went in and yesterday when it came out. While you are numb and the doctors do everything they can to make it painless, there is this tug in your neck.  It feels awkward and you know they are pulling on some pretty important stuff in there but ultimately no pain.  Just pressure and light tugging.  

Understand that this was a good day for me.  I am finally getting rid of the last obvious physical remnants of cancer and it was to be celebrated, but as they struggled to find a razor to shave me and the uncomfortable position I sat in for over 2 hours, I began to get frustrated.  

Until that tug. 

 Almost as soon as I felt that pull, tears began to fall.  I remembered almost immediately my emotional state at the time it was going in.  They were putting this port in because the other treatments had failed and now I was officially in for the “long haul”.  Everything from the building I was in, to the waiting room, to that tug was something I had all but forgotten.  Before this, I was fine, bored, but fine.  That tug triggered me in a way that brought me right back to that same spot and now I am a mess.  This is supposed to be a happy day.  This is a day I never even thought to dream of.  Many people die with that port inside them.  But, I didn’t feel healthy and strong anymore.  I felt scared, helpless, and alone.  The tug was my trigger.  An impulse that once identified and understood, could be readjusted.  I readjusted it with gratitude.  This port was coming out!  I am healthy and strong again and I went from scared to grateful in an instant.  

Still cried, of course, but now for a joyful reason.  I stopped being sad, bored, or frustrated and just basked in the blessing that this cutting open of my chest really was.

This is how triggers can change our emotional states quickly.  Even when there is no basis or evidence for that emotion.  I went from frustrated, uncomfortable, and bored, to scared and alone, to grateful and proud, all in a few minutes.  I was able to do this because I recognized that the tug was merely a trigger and while I was not able to choose that from happening, I was able to choose how I reacted to it.  My lizard brain immediately went to a dark place but my cognition and training led me out of it.  This is the message ...continue reading